A thrill i have not been seeking for a really long time now. It has been awhile since i felt the adrenaline rush going all around me. A feeling of ecstasy mixed with fear. An addiction i needed to fill my hunger for the extreme. I was there, in front of the door leading to a place that has been forgotten. I entered with ease, and left with peace. It took me away from the reality i was facing currently. It made me feel alive again.
It gives me excitement. An excitement much better than any thrill ride could ever give. The excitement of seeing something you have longed wanted. Each time the clock throws away it's life, i look forward to seeing what's coming ahead of me.
Fatigue took over for awhile. The body couldn't tolerate muscle aches and constant rants of tension. But still, the mind comanded to carry on the procedure and the heart was filled with a mixture of hope and dreams. Constantly looking back, thinking ahead and finding explanations, i dared myself to face whatever obstancle that may face me.
Worries then filled the happy thoughts that was rushing through. It made a big fuss up there. Fighting over who is going to take charge now. All i wanted was a 'why' answer. I don't mind rejection, but at least an explantion for dissapearing feelings. At least justify the black eye you gave. Is it hard at all? Is it hard to say? Must you just 'shoo' me away with unjustified worries i have felt? Did i deserve such a judgement?
Hiding away from the fact that i was going there to see you. Just a glance would make me smile, inside. Just to know you are safe from troubled waters. Lies accompanied me to the end of the finishing line. A glance, a glimpse, anything. Just show me you're safe. Proof to me you can make it through. I saw it. I saw it with these two worried eyes. Eyes that are dying to give in. I left. I ran. I hid. I smiled. That, was enough for me.
To think that a shot in the head was enough to kill me, another one had to come by. I survived, i survived the second shot but to suffer a wound which doesn't seem to heal is just crazy. To even imagine it leaving a scar is bad enough. But it will last, it will last long.
Sorry doesn't seem to heal anything now. Sorry is just another five letter word. A word which has lost it's meaning. A word people must learn to adapt to now, and someone to research on to recover what has been lost. To find the history of that word. All i want now is to make it happen again. To make it all come back again. I want to have a deja vu.
Do me a favour will you. Please i beg of you. Let me turn around. Let my back face you. Let me take a few steps ahead. Let me have a distance from you. Let me try to forget i'm leaving you. Give me time to walk away. When you see my shadow, when you feel the distance, i want you to raise your hand. I want you to wave to me. I want you to take the gun you have been clinging to since the start. I want you to shoot me... And after you do... Don't ever say goodbye.. Cause i won't hear you...
.: aDD Me iN tHe LiSt oF PuPPeTs FoR tHe ShOw :.
