I still don't know what kind of person is considered 'artsy'. Huda keeps saying she likes 'artsy' people but i still can't get what she means by that. I tried asking for a translation but doesn't want to give me a clue either.
I just realised that i love taking pictures. With a little help of theory in it (yes there's actually theory behind everything you do) i took some pictures. Or might i say experimental pictures. I think i might just be a photo freak really soon. So anyone wants to join the geek clan? Here are some 'artsy' pictures i took.
It's been so long since i've put up the magical show. It's been so long since i've did a magic trick. But since you mentioned it, i can't simply say no right? You wanted it so much. Now i'll show you why people love this show. Cause it's simply too good. I dissapear and never come back. So let's do an encore. What about that? Happy now?
This time i'm putting up the lyrics from this band called 'No Use For A Name'. The song title is called 'International You Day'. I'm putting this up cause i just love this song, and it has alot of meaning in it. Reflects alot with what i'm going through now.
"International You Day"
i'm sorry that it took so long
to write this song
but i gave up
you see one million words can't describe
how it feels
to know your love
where did i go wrong?
i should have told you from the start
that i'm closer then you think
when we're apart
nothing that i've tried
is as simple as this line
but without you
my life is incomplete
my days are absolutely gray
and so I'll try
let your heart know for sure
that i have so much more to tell you
every single day
i swear i'm giving up my inside
to the one
that i adorded
i know this world is big enough
for you and i
but i'll give you more
i'm coming home today
to wipe the tears right from your eyes
i'm totally enamored by your life
nothing that i've done
has ever been for one
but without you
my life is incomplete
my days are absolutely gray
and so I'll try
let your heart know for sure
that i have so much more to tell you
every single day
my life is incomplete
my rides are absolutely gone
so wake me up
before you leave today
something i need to say
cause they'll be nothing when you're gone
This picture was taken at Woodlands Mrt station after sending Aisyah to the bus stop. Thanks for asking me to take a picture of the sky cause if she didn't ask me to then this picture would have not been taken at all. Enjoy.
.: i StiLL LoVe You iN SiLeNce :.
You want me to go reverse? So you mean back it up and park it again? Please. I don't need your stupid instructions on how to drive my vehicle. You are not some bloody parking police. And even if you were, what can you do? Fine me for parking my car 19.2 degree off the white line? What kind of establishment do you live in? Zimbawe? Even people there don't park their cars. In fact, they don't even have cars!
This ain't no taxi stand. I don't wait for you. In fact, im not even waiting for you let alone think of it. Maybe a long time ago when the line wasn't so long but now that it is, you can forget about it. You took another passenger and im fine with that. But please do inform me if you aloready had plans. And don't make it sound like you're the only taxi around town.
Say what you want to. I don't really like to intefer during meetings. It just sucks especially when all eyes are focused on you. I hate last minute entries. So before i go berserk and make a mess out of you, i warn you better stay off my back. and ill stay away from you. Step me, and ill get you.. i swear i will....
.: TuRn anD leaVe FoR i haTe aCtreSSes :.
I looked around. The smell, sight, sound, it's all gone. It just went missing like that. Like a magic show, it just dissapeared without a single hint of how it was done. Call it a trick of the eye, i swear it made me mad.
Now that shes gone, i've moved on. I don't want to think about what happened and how it happened. No more i'll wait for you and i'll be there for you cause you were never there for me. You were never with me. You only wanted to make me smile cause you pitied me. And that's all there is too it.
I've been around. I'm walking around aimlessly. Not knowing what's coming up next. But who cares? Aint adrenaline fun and ain't danger my sidekick? Who cares? You care? I doubt it. Now im ready for second part of the first series. Anyone wanna join in?
.: I tuRneD aRouNd aNd She waSN't tHeRe :.
Let's just wait for the day to come. I'll tell you the story behind it all.
.: I miss You bUt i MiSs You HeR tOO :.
Was walking around till i came across this picture i found on the floor. Like they say, a picture paints a thousand words. This picture in particualr painted a million words plus asumptions. Do you still like him? Do you still care for him? All this 'just to get people of my back' story ever true?
Well i guess you're right. I am who i am. You just can't accept that. That's okay for me. Really. I accept my mistakes as i know its mine. Its something i must mend on my own. it's something only i know im capable of doing. Let me screw up again.
No more hiding. No more excuses. I'll move on with what i already have. The bags are packed and im ready to go. But i missed something... where are the tickets?
.: A coNtraDictiNg SmiLe :.
As darkness takes over light, time is running out from our sight. Hiding away in a corner of a room, filled with dust and an aura so gloom. As it passes us by, the rush we feel is can just kill in any form of adrenaline. Tomorow is nearing but the end hasn't come, we shall face it together and pray that the blood that flows will not stop, till death do us part.
Light rules again one more time. It gets crowned and praised for such delight. Bringing in what people think is peace, But to me it's just another sign of disbelief. For each time i see it come, i know that a new day has just begun. Constantly bringing nothing but endless sorrows, to a mind that needs to hibernate till the cold has ended. Please wake me up before you leave, because i need to tell you something before there's nothing else to say except constant rants of forgotten lines which were meant to be spoken.
As complex as it may sound, the vocabulary never seems to change as terms last for time to come. A way only i would understand cause it comes naturally like water is to the ground. Similarities that don't look at all identical by words but by feelings it connects ever so beautifully that it needs to be dug to be cherished for a lifetime to come.
Sitting in front of boredom can kill. It hurts to know that your presence is not known. Shows how insignificant you are and how much she treats you like dirt. Now come on up and have your step because it will all get blown away soon if not now. Let it fly somewhere else where it can rest. And be stepped again by passer-bys and people who are blinded by nature. That excludes people without a soul and people who don't give life a second look.
Before i go on like this may i remind you, that words are just words and thoughts are more than anything. Let it in then slowly accept what is given. Let it be taken in slowly so that everything gets absorbed. Now when it's inside just hold on to it and don't let go just yet... cause there is where you will feel how manifested it can be. Let it infest... and break you down like how it broke me...
.: TeLL HeR iM HeRe :.
As i laid my legs to rest in a room filled with air below temperatures human can resist, i felt a certain aura of discomfort surrounding me. Eyes were fixed to a screen up ahead from different directions but it seems like as though i was the featured film being presented. A temptation even the strongest cannot resist, to turn and peep at a the unknown as to keep the addiction level to it's lowest.
Sitted side by side, all i had was hatred towards the so called greatest enemy any transfer could have. He knew he had competition coming ahead. A news he never wanted to hear. He knew i was coming. He knows i can take over. He knows i'm here. Now run and hide you dignity while you still can before it takes you. Enough with the mask covering your face. It's see through if you didn't noticed.
Walk and don't turn back. Let self pride take the lead. Don't let it down. Let everything go. Let it pass you. That's the reason why people hate you. That's the reason you are alone to face this on your own. Now let's recap yesterday's lesson. Do you even remember that you attended the class. You mean you forgot? What kind of attitute is that? Let this thoughts pass you as fast as it took you. Please. Leave. Now. Before it consumes everything. Unjustfied tears being shed for her. Broken pieces that do not need to be fixed. Let it be there for others to get hurt by the pieces. Let's hope the next to come have shoes on... I hate this..
.: DiScoMForT iN YouR OwN TuRf :.
I can't find words to describe how i feel now. I can't write a book let alone a novel. It's all coming back now. And for this i thank you...
.: aLL i CaN See aRe LieS :.
Lost within me...
.: ReMeMBeRing WhaT I HaD :.
You came back to haunt me. You brought back my dysfunctional past. A book i kept in the archives along with others who suffered the same papercut. Torn pages in unfix waters which seem so calm. The mind doesn't seem to want to interact with the heart. Living in two different worlds, which never seem to collide with each other. Leaving behind scars and marks as remembrance of an unknown feeling as though caught in the undercurrent. Washed away to the past of lost, unforgiven thoughts of self mutilation mixed with humiliation. Droped my dignity to the lowest dirt you find on the ground. Faced flat to the surface of darkness.
You said they won't bite. You said that everything would be alright. You promised me clear skies. Now that my journey is disrupted by clouds that seem to rain with tears of depression, who is going to pilot this plane? Who is going to take the responsibility? Who is going to answer the casualties? You said you love me. You said you don't want to lose me. You promised me the world or it seemed as though it was one. You gave me hope. You lead me on. Now it's all broken by this past. She took it from me. She took all away from me. She took my happiness. She took away this thoughts. She took away my endless nights. She took away...you...
.: LeaVe Me aLoNe wiTH my CoMpaNiOnS of ShaDowS :.
it's been a long time since i've made a post which people understand. Just for today i'll share with you what those lines on the bottom right mean to me and where i got it from. It's meaning is up to you to translate but this is how i see it...
I got the lines from the song 'No it isn't' by a group called 'Plus 44'. Just in case you were wondering, this band is made up of three members. Mark Hoppus, Travis Barker and Carol Heller. Yes, Mark and Travis are from the famous punk rock band called Blink 182. This band is a side band of Blink 182 and this particular song is one of my favourites. It's genre, to me it sounds like 'mellow punk' if there's such a genre i'll call it this.
The lyrics are beautiful crafted. It makes you reflect about your life, mainly what the past has done to affect your present. To me, the lines that are reflected on the blogskin are the 'best' break up lines anyone can use. Just read it and try to think of a break up scenario. It links. Now ill put up the lyrics....
Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I cant stand you
This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore
Curse my enemies forever
Lets slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that leads us past the lives that we destroy
I listen to you cry
I cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak
So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to
Curse my enemies forever
Lets slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that leads us past the lives that we destroy
Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is i can't stand you
A beautiful song for people who appreciate any genre. If you want to hear the song, you could visit http://plusfortyfour.com/ or tag me and i'll give it to you. Till then...
.: She MaKeS Me SmiLe So WiDe i aLmoSt DieD :.
Let me tell you a story about a boy who lost everything to nothing. Life was easy for him. He had what he always wanted. His life was too good to be true. It felt like as though he was on cloud nine. But never did he realize that his life was going to change. For the better or worse, till now he cannot justify but he is still alive and struggling to go on by each day with a smile glued to his face.
He had taken advantage of anything and everything. The term ‘think twice before you do it’ was never thought to him. Or maybe he knew it but he just didn’t believe of consequences. Lack of vocabulary words is what’s best to describe his scenario at his time. He broke many laws. He went against every tide. So what was the outcome of his so called brave front? He came out clean, untouched, but the journey was just too great for him. It overturned him inside but on the outside, he is just being a normal Joe.
Now that he has gone through hell back and forth, the flame devours every single temptation he has left. He has learnt it the hard way. The way he always thought was the best. Even with such torture, he is trying to mend his past. He is covering the past as much as he can. Hide it so deep in the haystack so that people can’t find. He is trying his best. Give him a chance to proof himself worthy..
.: StiLL iN LoVe with YoU :.
I was feeling scared. A little nervous mixed with excitement. After so long, it came back to me in my face. It showed itself right there for me to hold.. and maybe for the last time. She came closer. Its like as though time was never a part of us. She came closer. Close enough for me to hear her slightest whisper. It was time to part even before i could say how much this meant to me... she asked for a kiss.. my heart skipped a beat.. the mind said 'i'll see you later'
I told you i hated my past. You said why should you? If things happen, it just happens. Let it be. For me i don't want it to happen. I don't want my past. I just want to see my present and my future. i just want to be there when you call. But it seems that distance is playing the part. Distance is what i feel. Distance was what i thought.
It's time to go. Bring the past back like how you wanted it to be. Guess you're right. I'll never change.. cause you never did give me a chance too...
.: i MiSS HeR aFteR MeeTiNg HeR :.
Leaving this place, to let this thoughts rest and hopefully be erased at the same time. Thought cold turkey was just a term for people to use as a form of entertainment but in fact its deadlier than just words put together.
Without a translator, i feel a little lost but still i'll have to just move on. I can still remember what has been done so i guess i'll be safe. I can feel the distance now. It's a reaction i knew will come really soon. Now it's no longer i have you but i don't have you.. it's i have you but ii'm losing you....
.: JuSt cLoSe eNouGH FoR Me :.
Woke up in an unknown realm which felt so real. The cold static around me koncked me off balance. A sudden discovery ould make any man jump for joy but to me it's becoming a daily routine to make me wake up from a dream. Don't force yourself up from the dead. I advice you just sit there and wait. to think about what you have done to people around you with that knife held in your hands which happens to be blunt. Pierce it deep for all to see. Let them feel how torturous it can be. Leave it theere till i bleed to death. Let me wake up again with faith within me. Blessed souls surrounding a rotting body. Filled with hatred towards a departure of a loving person. For we know this may sound far fetched but it's still something hard to forget. Empty promises filled with lies. You used my words to break all ties we had. So you can be free from misery. Of having such strings attached to somebody.
Confusion explores places within the mind as slowly it picks up words it wants to take in and sentences which make no sense. For all to see but only some understand what it means and may it affect the people with thoughts that seem to overtake everything. It's purpose? To surrender to reality....
.: She NeVeR FaiLS to MaKe Me SmiLe :.
The clock kept ticking and the time just passes me by. Alone i stare into the darkness, looking for a source of light to guide me through. Kept looking high and low but all i could hear was my heavy breathing and steady heartbeat that sounded so loud in the dead silence. As i waited for dawn, the temptation to sink in became too great to resist. it was already time to awaken to a new begining, a new chapter in life.
Almost close to being mentally prepared for what's to come in front of me. The mind could not anymore foreign information now as it is trying to regain what was lost in the process and to snap out of this dream. As i entered what i thought was hell, i felt boredom, confusion and excitement within the inmates. I kept telling myself, assuring myself that i am going to skim through this like how i have always have. It became second nature. It's my way of saying welcome. My way of saying please help me get rid of my pollution which i have always wanted too.
I think i took a sip from the devils cup. An overdosed of jealousy was what i took in. Just too much to even control the drug that is inside. Can't say i made a mistake but it was what i should have seen coming to me. On opposite ends of the world, i felt the distance. If looks was everything, than i have lost badly what i lack.
Tension was building through three different channels. Even though how much i know i hate to admit defeat, this high frequencies was set so high it could have given me a brain fry. It could have burnt the chips, the essential chips to work the equipment.
Constant movements of the hands helped alot. But i realised that i can multi task. Thoughts could be anaylze while i'm busy thinking of how and why the hell i'm even here. I need this. I need this more than anything now. I need to cover my own grave and also as a cure or a vaccination for me. Red eyes and endless yawns, i prefer to fall into darkness when im ready too. I'm waiting. Waiting for fatigue to rule me again and also for her to be somewhere i know she would be safe. I don't know if she knows but each night i worry about where she is and what she's doing. A late reply triggers unnessary assumptions with unjustified statements. Why should i care? Why should i even pollute my own mind? In her eyes..im just a thing of the past....
.: BuRy Me aFteR YoU MuRDeR Me :.
Looking at my surroundings, I feel blessed that I have choosen not to have what they love. I feel blessed that I have been kept locked inside even though I am against it. There were signs that I had received since the day I decided to choose the shortcut but i decided not to acknowledge this signs. I choose to neglect them and did what I wanted. Now that I am lost and stuck, there is nothing out there to help mi get up and start running again. The signs come and go but they are now merely signs and no longer roadmaps anymore. I regretted not cherishing them. I have lost an essential item in life. Will I have to go on like this forever? Now that the signs have appeared again, I’ve decided to get back at it. I’m trying to start where I left behind. I have decided to use them for my own benefit. I am after all useless without it so why not abuse what I have. At least I have something to turn to when I am in this situation. This signs that I am talking about are not the usual signs we see in our everyday lives. Its not the normal ‘I see you then I’ll make an assumption’ kind of signs. Sci-fi it is not. It’s the real deal. It’s there but only certain people can analyze it. Only certain people will pick it up. For me, I know what it is. Its there, but its just unexplainable.
Old memories came back to haunt me. Happy moments we used to share, which were then tarnished by a dissapering act and a cowardly decision. People think and forget about it in an instant. For me, i can't erase what has been done. Reason being i can't find that particular function inside to trigger such an action of deleting unused memories. It comes back just when everything is running smooth. It brings you down to your knees. It makes you weak inside.
I have just realised how much i need you. How much i care. How much i wanna proof that i can make it through. So now what have i done to deserve this? Let's get some items off the shelf. Confusion mixed with anger plus a little hatred combined in love... You get my thoughts...
.: aLL i See INSiDe yOu aRe mY MiStaKeS:.
Surrounded by broken souls, in a way i felt sad for them. I couldn't remember the last time i actually stood still and thought of it. It never came to me about what will happen to me after all that i have done. After so many mistakes and things that seem so fun but in fact against any mind with a brain attached to it. For a moment, i felt the urge to runaway. Run as far as i could and try to take cover somewhere while i hide my tears...
I've done too much to turn back. I've done too much to try to reconcile what has been done. I can't even find the words to say to make up what i've done. I'm falling much deeper each day... Please i need to do something about it.. i need faith
.: YoU MaKe Me SmiLe EvEn iF iM aNgRy :.
Old memories are nice to see. Makes you think back and realise how much people around you care for you. It makes you feel special. Present time, time changes people, and the people that cared for you. This is all due to the fact that with time, you change, so they too react to it. When there's action, there must be reaction. A line i'll never forget and apply it for my everyday life.
Sleeping makes you take things off your mind. If only i could sleep all day so that this thoughts don't infest again in my head. It's like as though it's breeding inside. I call it manifestation. Weird but true. It can kill even the strongest in my opinion.
Somehow, she makes me weak. I don't like being weak. I don't like being desperate. A sudden need to grasp for air. I'm suffocating... am i still alive?
.: JuSt a SiGn :.
This entry is for my dear aisyah. She's having difficulty understanding what i'm trying to say in my blogs. Don't worry aisyah, this will be done nicely. I'll feature names this time. So you know who i'm talking about.
It's actually April the 7th. It's about close to 1 am now and i just got home from town. Justifies why the date is dated 8th. But regardless what it is, let's talk a little english now instead of thoughts and thoughts. I've just realised how 'emo' this blog is. Should have called it 'Life is emo' instead.
After prayers, went home to sort of 'slack' cause i was really bored. Suppose to go out with only Zul and his friend taufiq who i just met but it turned out to be an outing with close friends. On the way there, Huda called me up to say that Leandra just asked her out to town. So it tuned out that Leandra was going to meet us up in town too with Owen and Jonas who will join us after his soccer training. So there we were in town slacking around, waiting for Huda's side to come. When the reached, Nick who happens to be Leandra's dancer also tagged along and we went to eat at Lido. It was fun to be around them cause all the lame jokes we make sound so lame which turns out to be funny.
It was getting kind of boring jut sitting around talking crap so we headed to our next destination which was Cineleisure. There my friends, was where hell begun. We started singing our hearts out. I swear we were close to doing buskering if we had drums. We sure tore Long John's Silver down with our so called 'dikir barat' songs and 'love songs'. Songs we listened to back then during our secondary school days. Overall i would say it was fun. Fun enough to do it all over again.
So here's today's story aisyah. It's a rarity to see me feature names cause i don't like doing so. I rather put 'anonymous' but some of them are rather clear cut, that is if you know me well. And yes aisyah i believe you do. Now back to where we were...
Boredom became my companion for now. Surrounded by darkness i felt the urge to fun aimlessly in the dark but the fear or knocking into something and hurting myself in the progress stoped the urge. On the way back to the crib, i felt it. I felt it all over again. That feeling on something being lost. I don't care who or what it is. But deep down inside i know you have cutted me deeply. So deep it just penetrated through the heart with that piercing knife you hold. But who am i to you? I am just a patient who needs your effort to put me through together. But after your operation, i'll just be the shadow that will follow you wherever you may go. The bond we had is losing it's grip. Now i know what you meant but the justifications you made. I think we had made the right choice.. but still.. i love you...
.: RuNNiNg awaY Won't SoLveD aNytHinG, iT MakeS tHiNgS MorE CoMpliCatED :.
Sitting alone in the room, the hand initiated the movement. Words started to flow from my mind. Similar words seen in each entry but with different meanings. It came out like this...
' I'm so broken, in this so called simpe life i lead. The people all around me would love to see me bleed. With this endless thoughts running through my head, can someone please shoot me and declare me dead. Unaware of this symptoms of disfunction probability, God's given us the declaration of life's simplicity. Runaway to the crossroads where you made your stand, i'm glad that this nightmare is coming to an end. The darkness around me devours the soul, making me freak out, making me go out of control. I lost all of life's beautiful moments, stuck in between choices between my friends and my parents. Alone i walk on this endless road, to the point when the dust just makes me choke. So let me go on with my back faced to you and shoot me down before i take it out on you. I'm so broken inside now, don't leave me alone here, i can feel my heart sink. I'm so broken inside now, don't leave me alone here, the shadow consumes my face...'
Time wasn't on my side again. When was it ever anyways. I feel something missing from me. A sense of being lost. This is not good. Not good at all. I need to be back with my busy schedule. I'm drifting. I need to get back on track. Wait.. what is missing?
.: TiMe HeaLS eVeryThiNg :.
A thrill i have not been seeking for a really long time now. It has been awhile since i felt the adrenaline rush going all around me. A feeling of ecstasy mixed with fear. An addiction i needed to fill my hunger for the extreme. I was there, in front of the door leading to a place that has been forgotten. I entered with ease, and left with peace. It took me away from the reality i was facing currently. It made me feel alive again.
It gives me excitement. An excitement much better than any thrill ride could ever give. The excitement of seeing something you have longed wanted. Each time the clock throws away it's life, i look forward to seeing what's coming ahead of me.
Fatigue took over for awhile. The body couldn't tolerate muscle aches and constant rants of tension. But still, the mind comanded to carry on the procedure and the heart was filled with a mixture of hope and dreams. Constantly looking back, thinking ahead and finding explanations, i dared myself to face whatever obstancle that may face me.
Worries then filled the happy thoughts that was rushing through. It made a big fuss up there. Fighting over who is going to take charge now. All i wanted was a 'why' answer. I don't mind rejection, but at least an explantion for dissapearing feelings. At least justify the black eye you gave. Is it hard at all? Is it hard to say? Must you just 'shoo' me away with unjustified worries i have felt? Did i deserve such a judgement?
Hiding away from the fact that i was going there to see you. Just a glance would make me smile, inside. Just to know you are safe from troubled waters. Lies accompanied me to the end of the finishing line. A glance, a glimpse, anything. Just show me you're safe. Proof to me you can make it through. I saw it. I saw it with these two worried eyes. Eyes that are dying to give in. I left. I ran. I hid. I smiled. That, was enough for me.
To think that a shot in the head was enough to kill me, another one had to come by. I survived, i survived the second shot but to suffer a wound which doesn't seem to heal is just crazy. To even imagine it leaving a scar is bad enough. But it will last, it will last long.
Sorry doesn't seem to heal anything now. Sorry is just another five letter word. A word which has lost it's meaning. A word people must learn to adapt to now, and someone to research on to recover what has been lost. To find the history of that word. All i want now is to make it happen again. To make it all come back again. I want to have a deja vu.
Do me a favour will you. Please i beg of you. Let me turn around. Let my back face you. Let me take a few steps ahead. Let me have a distance from you. Let me try to forget i'm leaving you. Give me time to walk away. When you see my shadow, when you feel the distance, i want you to raise your hand. I want you to wave to me. I want you to take the gun you have been clinging to since the start. I want you to shoot me... And after you do... Don't ever say goodbye.. Cause i won't hear you...
.: aDD Me iN tHe LiSt oF PuPPeTs FoR tHe ShOw :.
The clock was ticking. But i'm used to this treatment. Guess it runs in my family. But to only certain people. There i was sitting and thinking of what i want to say. Then it came to me. A walking example of how someone could affect another person's life. Of why things happen for a reason. A smile appear out of no where. It came to me fast. So it is true about what was said in the books. I guess i saw the light. And to think it was all a dream.
My heart was beating faster as inch by inch i had to face the wrath of an unknown. What will happen to me? How would i ever answer such impossible questions? That was the worst i ever faced so far. Life is going to be hard on me. The thought of it makes me wonder more. I deserve it. So i guess there's no use complaining. I can just hope for the best.
Like is unfair. Nothing is fair. If it was, then it wouldn't be life, it would be called heaven. For a moment i felt cheated. I felt rejected. I felt i have came to a halt. I skipped a beat, and then it stopped. There wasn't any lines to follow. No directions from a superior to listen to. More of a 'let's do it come on' reaction. I gave up, almost would be a better word.
A beep. I felt a beep. No, i heard a beep then a vibration. Why is it appearing. Maybe all she wanted was to say sorry. Or maybe just to ask where we were. A location she said made me crazy. Crazily happy that is. A smile i've not experienced before. A smile i'll never forget. I love this smile. I just don't want it to go. I want it to stay with me. Do you use glue to stick it on? A surprise i'll never forget. I'll remember this for a long long time. I love it to much to let go. All the hatred i felt just melted away with the heat of just the appearance. Can it last? Will it last? Please say yes. Please make it stay.
I thank you again for the support. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks to my companion. I guess you are the wall i can support to when ever i need to lean on. You are a true friend indeed and i appreciate it very much. I guess what was said is true. Reluctant as it may sound i guess i've given in to her. I guess i owe her. I guess i just want her. Bad things always come and go. But with all the shit i get, i always find something good in it. I've found a friend i can depend on if i need help, and a girl who can make me smile just with a glance. This indeed is good enough for me.
Pollution is bad for any establishment. Getting rid of your waste affects others. But to me, pollution is good. It clears you. It makes you clean from the dirt you have made. I have infested this place and pollute it with thoughts i have. If it affects you, too bad... i'm not here to make you happy... cause i have one goal now.. to make her.. happy
.: You MaDe My DaY, a SunShiNe FoR mY CLouDy DaYS, i LoVe YoU :.
I couldn't recall the last time i had this feeling. A mix of thoughts, bad and good, with a sense or paranoia surrounding it. I might just suffer from an anxiety attack. Please smile people cause that's the end of more drama. It looks like as though its retribution of some kind. Karma? Maybe related but i don't see the link. Each day, people take turn to torture me with questions that seek answers. Can you please stop it! i had enough of answering all your questions. Why must i even step up to even face you. I ain't no criminal. I don't need a court session with you to justify my actions. Tell the jury to go home and you can forget about calling the lawyers cause i can stand on my own two feet.
Indirectly punch in the face is what i call it. I can never imagine such a weak punch like that can affect me alot. Is it wrong for me to be commited? Is it a sin? Even if it was, who are you to tell me what to do? I feel my legs giving in. I feel my body shake with anger, not fear. I need to fight back. But should i? Or should i just ignore this pest. My mind is set on one, and only one. You shall see me soon. Very soon. i'll make you eat your words. I'll make you think twice the next time you do such a thing. I'll tear you apart like how you did to me. Call me mad for all i care. I'm dead serious about tearing you down. I have every right in the world to retaliate to people who invade my life. Especially if you're a thing of the past. You're nothing. I had enough of you. All my efforts gone to waste. You don't own me, i don't owe you. Not even a single word of sorry will i utter out again. You don't deserve sympathy.
I feel the distance now. I'm standing on the beach. The wave is at it's lowest. It's not coming back. I don't feel it ever coming back. I just see ripples. Ripples in the sea. That is a rare sight. Each day i feel like i'm losing you inch by inch. Am i. Are the knots we tied or we assume we tied being loosen by us or by people around us. If thoughts had fingers, i think they were the ones who actually did it. Things will never be the same again. You can't turn a dead tree leaf back to a freshly grown gree leaf. No one could ever do that. I need to feel assured. I need at least a gurantee that the wave i felt that day at my chest will come again. I don't want it at my feet. I want that wave to devour me. Let me have a taste of what's to come. I feel pain.
Paranoid. Anxiety. This kills me instantly, if not, slowly. I have not been having thoughts that i should have like any other kid. I'm thinking too much. Too much for such a brain to handle. Especially mine. Problems clock in but they don't seem to clock out. They are working overtime. Since when did problems become permanent residents? i thought they were nomads. I can't sleep. I was caught off guard. I need to prepare to earn what i've lost so far. Please someone help me on this. I can't go on. The load is just to heavy for me. I can't stay alone. Each time i try my best to shake it off, it come backs again like a leech. Where is that fire source.
I asked, i begged, they all gave the same answers. I was houdini. In fact i was better than houdini. Wait, but am i still better or was i better. You've got to play with the words and twist it around you. It sounds different with each word used. I'm sorry. Truly i am. But who would believe? After all didn't i do my dissapearing act in front of millions? is running away and hiding the answer for all questions. Does it solve all problems? Does it even help me. It does help me but not others i guess. I broke you. I tore you. Now i hate you. To think again, no i do not regret. In fact, i'm starting to love this. I'm starting to get used to this attention. In fact, i'm loving being mean. Chase the lights away. Throw away what you have. Leave the crib. Feel it, cherish it, abuse it for all i care.
Giving up is never me. Not in a situation like this. I ain't no quitter, but slowly i'm doing it. No use staying. No use trying to figure a master plan. I don't see the point of it. But, i'm losing alot by giving in to this temptation. I've fallen. Fallen too deep. I can't get up. I just can't. I need you. But not another one in your list. I don't want my name to appear in any of your list. I don't need an alibi. I just need you. Please stay, let me leave you, i'm here hold on, let me wait for you... it's all a contradiction.. a smile which doesn't fit a picture... you're a mona lisa..
.: You aRe Who yOu ARe :.
It was late at night. My mind was saying 'please, it's time to stop' my heart was saying 'no, she'll come. Just hold on a little more'. Tossing and turning on bed, it was the first time in my whole life i woke up from bed so many times i lost count of it. There was this constant rage inside, a war was being engaged inside. I feel it pulling me inside. Devouring every single strain of stregth i have left to spare. Never will i give in to such miserable thoughts. Was the opposition playing the same mind game? Was it waiting to feel threatened then attack? Finally, the last blow came to me as a shock. I gave in, i surrendered. After half an hour since the last blow, it retaliated. It replied. A smile appeared from no where. My heart sank. I'm loving this moment more than ever.
Am i wasting my time? I call this a challenge for me. It's about time i realise where i stand. It's about time to see my hero win a war. But there's always different scenarios. The hero who thought me everything will either fail and become ash like what others faced or succeed and continue to aspire others or maybe teach a thing or two to others who fall in the same pit as he did.
Time is never on anyone's hands. If it was, then that person must be the luckiest person on Earth. And please, i would like to know that person. So he can at least hold on a little longer for me to cherish every single air i breathe in. Now i have set how i want to go on. How to lead my life the way i want. Stuck always, lost most of the times but there's a way out from how you entered. Yes i do. I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm not giving in to failure...cause you have already infested my mind.. you have taken me into your world.. so kill me if you ever want to leave..
.: CoNfuSioN MakeS YoU tHinK MoRe :.
As i sit alone by the window and watch the world go by me ever so fast, the thought of me and you becomes a companion by my side. From footsteps to whispers that sound so loud in a room filled with silence, i feel the sense that i am in a place filled with a certain aura only certain people can treasure. A sight that people can see, a sense that people can feel.
Walking around aimlessly, i needed to clear the thoughts that were running wildly in my head. The voices were ranting about something and suddenly, there was this urge to just shut them off. But never will this urge lead to actions as i know i still need them around. To support me when i'm falling, to answer me when i'm asking, to listen to me when i'm talking. Voices only i can hear.
Have i given too much for you to deserve it? As priceless as it may sound, it actually comes with a price and a favour in return. Drown with questions around me, i threw away the key that i locked my thoughts with. Indirectly people might say, i take whatever it is as a fact. I need this answers. I need it soon. I don't want to resort to copying. That's cheating. But i still don't want to give up. Now let's see what's contradicting.... i surrender....
.: aLL i WaNTeD waS tO See tHaT sMiLe :.
